10 Cat-iquette bed rules

I woke up at 3 in the morning a couple nights ago because a large furry cat was on my face, purring in my ear. My nose was tickling so much, I knew it was Hamilton - the big furry feather duster!

I realized then that he was making the transition from sleeping in the closet to sleeping on the bed. He has a few rules to learn:

1. Don't sleep on my face.

2. Don't drool in my ear. Or anywhere on exposed skin.

3. Turn the purring down. Or please fall asleep, so it doesn't sound like a motor boat's closing in.

4. Don't knead your claws anywhere on me or the mattress. (Hamilton's declawed, so he can skip this one.)

5. Don't growl if I should choose to move you because my arm has fallen asleep under your dead weight.

6. Don't pee on my head. (OK, no one's tried this since O'Malley)

7. Don't bring toys or dead mice into the bed.

8. Bed time is for sleeping and not for loud slurpy, grooming.

9. Don't sit and stare at me while I'm sleeping. It's as creepy as if a person was doing it.

10. I am allowed to sleep later on weekends, so there's no need to start pacing across my body if I'm not up by 6.

I'm sure the cats have their own rules, or maybe only one:

1. The bed is mine. Period.